“Wow are they twins?”
“Looks like you have double trouble on your hands!”
“Are they identical?”
“Are they natural twins?”
There’s no denying that finding out I was carrying twins was a shock (to say the least). I was nervous, excited, unsure of what was to come, but blessed that I was chosen to carry these sweet babies. However, people asking questions like the ones above definitely comes with the territory of having twins. Any time I go out in public, people ask me a million questions about having twins, as if they have never seen twins before.
According to the CDC, the number of twin births in 2018 was approximately 128,310. The number of singleton (single baby) births for 2018 was approximately 4 million. Therefore, twin births are obviously not as common as singleton births but are not as rare as people think.
Below are some responses from other fellow twin mamas that I interviewed a couple of weeks ago. Many women were very eager to respond to this question and in fact, in just a couple of days, I received 109 responses. Below are some of my favorite responses received from women who gave their consent for me to share.
As a twin mom, what are you tired of hearing and what do you want people to know?
Brittney H. stated: I get tired of people comparing one twin to the other. I love that my boys are best friends and always seem to build each other up. I hope that it continues because I know the whole comparing issue is probably only going to get worse so it gives me a small piece of mind knowing that they have each other’s backs!
Brittany P.H stated: The one thing I’m tired of hearing, “gosh, I bet you’ve got your hands full”. What I love most, is hearing people who have adult twins, tell us we’re lucky, and it gets better.
Sarah R. stated: I’m tired of “oh you have a boy and girl? One and done!” Because strangers saying it makes me decide against more kids and are they identical for my b/g. I love when they’re both smiling and laughing. And I love when they are learning about new things.
Jn Torna stated: I’m tired of people acting like twins is a bad thing or like some sort of punishment. It’s a blessing and we were chosen. What I love the most is when they wake up and don’t see each other and go looking for each other. They are inseparable and are truly best friends !!
Lauren H. stated: “Oh, two for the price of one!” Um no definitely not. I’m still buying diapers and wipes for two. I was still pumping for two and now buying formula for two. Laundry builds up faster. Two cribs. The list goes on. They are TWO individuals with their own needs. But I love the instant and constant bond they’ve had since they were born. Seeing them play, grow, and learn together is just almost too much sometimes! They love all their older brothers but you can tell they have their own special bond.
Betsy F. stated: I HATE when people act like they feel sorry for me because I have twins. Guess what? It IS hard some times. But it is magical! I would never have wished for twins (because I’m not a glutton for punishment. Haha), but I am SO thrilled to have these two angels. Having two at once is so different than one and I am lucky enough to be the recipient of such a unique gift.
Brittany M stated: People telling me I have my hands full. I lost my first child, so having twins was a huge blessing for me. I love hearing how beautiful all of my children are! Like when someone stops just to say “Oh my goodness they are so precious” versus the 72 questions/comments about having twins.
Megan O. stated: I get tired of hearing people say they “basically” have twins because their kids are close in age. No, Janet, you don’t. I get tired of people asking if twins run in my family. We did reciprocal IVF so this question is actually REALLY personal. I get tired of people judging me for keeping my twins on the same schedule. Back to back naps, snacks, etc. are just not going to work for us. I love watching my twins interact with each other. They comfort each other, play together, and snuggle up together. It’s just such a neat experience.
Jennifer A. stated: I’m going to go against the group and say I love the attention twins get. I love the little old lady at Costco that lights up looking at their faces, I love hearing the cashier tell me about how he has twin grandchildren, I love having a conversation with the man at the store about how he is a twin. I love the people who are engaging and ask questions because twins are special and they want to know more about it. My twins are 4 years old and are so different people have stopped talking to me about them as much. I’m sure people now just assume they’re close in age and are less excited. I kind of miss the meeting new people and bonding over the miracle that are my babies. One thing that I will say is my pet peeve is people assuming I’m done having children. I probably am but still an intrusive assumption.
Amanda A. stated: I think what twins moms want you to know is that twins are our normal. If you don’t have any other kids, you have nothing to compare It to.
My Final Thoughts
After asking the women in my Twin Mom Support Group this question, I was not surprised that there were many commonalities among all the women and their beliefs. Majority of the women were tired of people asking these questions or stating these phrases.
Are they twins? (This was one of the most common responses I found on this survey and although it can be annoying to answer ALL THE TIME, people are just curious and it’s a way to start the conversation).
How were they conceived? (This question is so personal to ask someone and I want to bring more awareness to the fact that it is NONE OF ANYONE’S BUSINESS how your children were conceived. Many women face years of infertility before becoming pregnant with twins and it is a personal experience for them. There are different ways people can conceive twins, whether it be the “natural” way, and by “natural” I mean spontaneously conceived through just partner to partner, or through medicine and a little bit of science. Regardless of how the twins are conceived, it should never be a question you ask a twin mom. Although many moms conceive their twins by chance, many women had to put out thousands of dollars, and go through very emotional medical treatment in order to conceive her twins. Regardless of how it happened, it should never be a question that is asked and in fact, is really none of anyone’s business.)
Your life is over now that you have twins. (Actually, my life is just now beginning thank you. I was meant for twins and I am going to be the best damn mom I can to these two precious babies. My life is not “over” simply because I had 2 children at the same time.)
I hope you’re done having kids now. (WOW! SO MANY WOMEN GET ASKED THIS QUESTION! I know for me, I get TOLD this all the time that “I should be done now”. The number of children a couple decides to have is none of anyone else’s business. If I want to have 1 kid, I will, and if I want 20, I will. There are just certain things you tell someone, and telling them they should not have any more kids after having a set of twins is just a no from me, and it is also extremely rude).
Are they identical? (This question really gets on my nerves especially when it involves boy/girl twins. I get if people ask that question for twins who look alike but are just not sure, but for b/g twins? No Sally, there is NO WAY for my BOY/GIRL twins to be IDENTICAL.)
Twin Comparing (This is another one that really grinds my gears. We all do it, even as mothers and fathers, we compare our children. Although it might not be consciously, we have tendencies to compare one twin to the next. But, we CAN because they are OUR children. When strangers, or family members, make comments about the differences in size, or differences in looks, or differences in their milestone achievements, you really can take it personally. All children, whether they are twins or not, grow at different paces, and achieve milestones at different rates. Just because they are twins does not mean they need to accomplish the same things at the same time. Children will often hear how they are compared to their siblings as they grow older, and it can affect them for the rest of their lives if they feel they aren’t doing something “right”. This is definitely something us parents continue to work on as well.
So, to conclude, we are all tired of hearing that our lives are over because we have twins. We are tired of strangers and loved ones, TELL US that we should be done having children when everyone knows that is a personal decision between partners. We are tired, yes, but it is annoying for people to act like having twins is a bad thing. Having twins is far from easy, but we do not need strangers telling us that “oh it’s better you than me”. We are tired of having strangers ask personal questions about how our babies were conceived and infringing on our personal lives. We are tired and completely over people comparing our children and pointing out their flaws because “the other one can do it” or “he/she is the big one of the two”. We are tired of people acting like they know what it is like and sharing their advice when in fact, they don’t know what it is like to have 2 newborns at once. They don’t know how it is to spend 600+ on formula a month, maybe more, maybe less. They don’t realize how hard it is to take care of 2 kids the same exact age all day by yourself. Also, to carry 2 little humans in your belly and be so exhausted all day. Most importantly, we are tired of people pointing out the negative things, rather than the positive things about having twins.
It’s Not as Bad as You Think
We do, however, want people to know that twin life is challenging, but also amazing and rewarding. We want people to see the special bonds the twins have, being able to watch them both grow and learn new things is so exciting and admirable. We want others to know that our job is hard, but we also wouldn’t trade it for the world either. We love to hear how blessed we are, how beautiful our babies are, and how lucky we are to be able to experience this. We love watching our twins comfort each other and smile and laugh at each other. We also love hearing from other twin mamas that it does and will get easier over time. It is so nice hearing stories from other twin mamas and being able to have their support. Our twins are not “trouble” by any means. Although it was shocking, it is mainly a blessing in disguise to be able to raise twins and watch them flourish into wonderful human beings. So before you point out to a twin mom that her job is hard, remember that motherhood, in general, is hard, but let’s celebrate the positive things about having twins rather than making a twin mama feel sorry for herself. The purpose of this post was to not complain about what we are tired of but to show others the various questions we get 10x a day and how they are mostly all negative questions surrounding twins. The purpose of this post was to bring light to show all the positives of having twins. I hope if you are a fellow twin mama, you can understand where I am coming from and if you aren’t, these are just some things to keep in mind.